We’ve got to be very quiet now—we’re coming close to the nesting area of that prized rarity: the Great American Job Creator. This was an animal long thought extinct; now, the Republican Party is fighting hard to expand the kind of business-friendly environment this very delicate creature apparently needs to survive.
We’ll just push aside these last tax shelters and...there it is! Just by that Capitol Hill watering hole—did you see? Unfortunately, he saw us too and immediately broke off his lobbying—he’s probably half way back to the narrow canyons of Wall Street by now. Gosh, what a majestic creature! Did you see how he flashed his gold cards as he ran?
Earlier we spoke to some local workers who have lived among the Job Creators for generations. Our economic guide will translate.
WORKER 1: Even though it was still profitable, they shut down the factory and shipped the machinery to China because the people there work cheaper.
TRANSLATION: The Job Creators made a prudent business decision to increase net profit through lower unit labor costs.
WORKER 2: Unfair trade deals are killing jobs, endangering our health and undermining our democracy.
TRANSLATION: Hooray for free trade!
WORKER 3: Why can’t billionaires pony up a few extra bucks so we aren’t holding classrooms in broom closets and my grandmother doesn’t freeze to death next winter?
TRANSLATION: How can we create an even more business-friendly environment for our Job Creators?
As the Republican Party continually reminds us, the Great American Job Creator is in trouble. But you can help this shy and easily-discouraged animal.
If you ever see anyone proposing regulations to combat fraud, protect our health or clean up our environment, remind them of the devastating effect such regulatory constraints would have on the fragile Job Creators in their annual migration through the business cycle. If you encounter people criticizing free trade, ask them if they really want to prevent the Job Creators and their brood of cash from being able to run free and wild across national borders, helpfully trampling nettlesome sovereignty underfoot. But most important of all: if you ever hear politicians even considering a tax increase on the wealthiest Americans, tell them they are in reality contemplating a death sentence for the gentle, blameless Job Creators.
FUN FACT: Did you know that, despite its name, the Great American Job Creator does not actually create any jobs? Linguists speculate the name derives from political jobs maintained through use of the term.